October 30, 2011

The Cougar Lounge - The Gold Mine Of Lost



"The team seemed more comfortable tonight - and confident."

- Wazzu head volleyball coach Jen Greeny after Wazzu skunked Arizona State [it is entirely plausible that perhaps the Sun Devils' 1-12 record entering the match might have had a teensy-weensy bit to do with the comfort and confidence level].




"I am thinking in my head - why is he going there, why is he going there, why is he going there? Wow, that was an unbelievable move."

- Oregon head football coach Chip Kelly - who evidently repeats his thoughts three times - on the move De'Anthony Thomas made on Wazzu safety Tyree Toomer on a touchdown reception that repeatedly turned Toomer around like an office swivel chair.




"Both Klay and DeAngelo were great players for us in previous years. They will be missed. It provides us with a great opportunity, however, to become an even better team. Other guys are going to have to step up - and I believe they will."

- Wazzu head men's hoop coach Ken Bone as the 2011-12 season is set to begin without star players of last year Klay Thompson and DeAngelo Casto.




"Funny thing is, I've jumped to almost 5000 because ppl like to hate.You'd think they wouldn't follow. I block 'em and play golf."

- Actor [sort of - he also directed 41 episodes of the seminal ground-breaking sitcom Charles in Charge!] Scott Baio after issuing wacky, decidedly non-Chachi-like statements, then defending himself from the "haters" - as well as the all those ppl [parts per liter] that love to hate - on his Twitter feed earlier this year.









The sycophants hovered persistently near their target - poised to strike at anything and everything that approached to within 100 yards of their beloved. This was to be the start of something bee-yoo-tee-ful, they chanted in unison. Alas, the only thing beautiful [the Lounge takes that back, sophomore defensive back Damante Horton's interception return for a touchdown was a thing of beauty, even if it was temporary and fleeting] about the Cougars' fourth straight loss in football this month was the sight for sore eyes that was the all-white uniforms that emerged from the tunnel at Autzen Stadium in Eugene. After an ugly two-game, two-blowout loss stint in all-Grays where even cockroaches fled in horror at the sight of the uniforms, Wazzu came out in their all-Whites and played significantly better [hey - results do not lie]. The Lounge clientele actually felt pride welling up in their spleen [scientists say that is where pride is stored, along with vitriol - though overflow amounts of both go to the appendix, so if you know somebody who has had their appendix removed - watch out!] when the all-Whites appeared - even though white is not officially nor technically, either Crimson or Gray.


In fact, we are certain it is responsible for the good effort the Cougars gave in the first half [before being, generally, steamrolled in the second half] and that leaves the clientele with only one distinct complaint - more like a plea, actually - about the game. Ahem - mee, mee, mee [voice testing] - hey Fox or ROOT or Dead Salmon or whatever the hell marketing names they have conjured up for themselves - the name is spelled R-U-E-B-E-N. Write it 100 times on the chalkboard then go sit in the corner for 45 minutes and think about what you have done, then go write it another 50 times, then go televise a Big 12 volleyball match or something - just get out of our sight - you are grounded! No dessert after dinner either.

The Lounge would like to take this opportunity to extend our hearty congratulations to the University of Utah for officially winning their first conference football game of the year and making it the Pac-11 [keep trying Colorado, maybe next year]. The win over the Oregon State Beavers means the Utes can now officially take advantage of all the perks and bennies that come along with membership. They can access the hot tub after 10pm, they can get free parking and valet service at all Pac-12 facilities, they get complimentary Pac-12 logo mints on their pillows on all road trips and most importantly of all - a $99 companion airfare for all cheerleaders who meet specific guidelines.

Apparently something called the World Series also happened this week - we heard about it on Scott Baio's Twitter feed - and since it involved teams from Missouri and Texas, two-thirds of the country - those from the East and those from the West - could care less. If not for a thrilling Game Six that forced a Game Seven [albeit a mundane Game Seven], the 2011 World Series would have had the worst ratings ever - but because of those two games, it scraped above last year's World Series ratings [which were the worst ever]. We just received a text from the North and most of the South - they are offended that we left them out and insist that they did not care either. Sorry, our bad.

It is at this time that we would turn to the National Basketball Association to…bore us to tears until next June with an 82-game regular season schedule that makes baseball's regular season schedule look like the marathon it is. But the NBA is involved in a labor dispute which has taken out the first month of the season and the Lounge clientele is having difficulty deciding who they should side with - wealthy owners or slightly less wealthy players. It is quite a conundrum, so we decided to just play a game of checkers and think about nog until the indifferent feeling went away [probably Tuesday].

"That is what I'm talkin' 'bout!" says Stan Ford, after the Wazzu soccer team went down to Tempe and took care of business against the Sun Devils to put them back on their NCAA Tournament track.

That was indeed a big win for the Wazzu soccer team, Stan. They need all the road wins they can get and if that match had ended in a tie - which it was looking like where it was headed after 105 minutes - then Wazzu's NCAA tourney chances would have been in serious jeopardy. Wazzu needed a win - not a tie - and that is exactly what true freshman Jocelyn Jeffers gave them with her match-winning header in double overtime. It was not without drama, of course, as the Cougars were given new life when an apparent ASU goal was disallowed just minutes before Jeffers' match-winner. Now, provided there is no stumbling today against Arizona in Tucson nor next week against rival Washington in Seattle - both matches Wazzu should win [read: not tie] - then Wazzu should be watching to have their name announced for the 2011 NCAA Tournament field in a little over a weeks' time.

"What does it all mean?" exhorts Judge Mental, taking a break from his judging duties to fret about the Cougar football team's latest soap opera episodic turn.

Here Come Da Judge! Sorry Judge, we had to whip out a little Sammy Davis, Jr. for a minute. Well, not much, really, the loss was slightly more competitive than last year ["only" a 15-point loss instead of a 20-point loss - all Cougar thank you cards should be mailed to Chip Kelly for not starting Bryan Bennett] thanks to a last minute touchdown to make the score appear closer - but it is still the fourth loss in a row for the Cougars with yet another road game on the docket this week against an inconsistent California team in Berkeley and two more games against bowl-bound teams Arizona State and rival Washington. Needless to say, it does not look promising for the Cougars, who have yet to defeat a conference team which has more than five wins [ASU and UW] in the four-year tenure of head coach Paul Wulff. With Utah getting their first taste of Pac-12 mints and the Fighting Tedfords being unpredictable, even games against those two teams are not guaranteed to be winnable - though Wazzu fans and well-wishers should certainly feel more confident about their chances this week against the Fighting Tedfords and in three weeks against the Ootes.


Recent ranting about people on that internet thingy who do not know what they are talking about got our attention and when it comes to ranting about that internet thingy, nobody does it better than Chachi, who completely understood everything in the world back in the 1970s and 1980s when it was easy and you could have multiple girlfriends, play tug-o-war on Battle of the Network Stars and generally live on your brief fling with fame. But now…this internet thingy is filled with trolls and ignorant idiots who do not know what they are talking about and now Scott Baio Ruins Everything.

Speaking of rants about internet idiocy, the Lounge Scientists have discovered, in a related MRI-laden study, that hallucinogenic images created in a person's brain by drugs, look real to the person who has taken the drugs and is experiencing the hallucination. Scientists have found that people experiencing hallucinations after mounting the psilocybin mushroom pony or ingesting jungle fever tea ayahuasca, create images in their brains which are very real - even though nobody else's non-hallucinogenic brains create them or see them - but which make some scientists skeptical.

"Functional MRI is not a one-to-one mapping of cerebral activity. If it were, things would be easier," says Lounge Scientist #10 Michael Brammer, head brainologist at King's College in London who, reportedly, does not have daily hallucinations.

Scientists were unable to determine which "things" would be made easier but, unfortunately for Wazzu fans and well-wishers, they have eliminated winning college football games as one possible "thing".




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