December 17, 2006

The Cougar Lounge - Bound For Vegas

"My degree of influence is somewhat overstated."

- Oregon sugar daddy and Nike bigwig Phil Knight, who adds the qualifier "somewhat" to make sure people know it's completely preposterous that the athletic department will be unveiling new Oregon helmets at the Vegas Bowl with his likeness imprinted inside the Oregon "O".



"He's made me proud to be an [alumnus] again."

- The NFL's Atlanta Falcons' head coach Jim Mora, praising current Washington head coach Tyrone Willingham as well as going on record that it only takes a 4-14 Pac-10 record to make Washington alums proud.



"If you are in a high heel, you are in pain, and you are going to make someone pay for it."

- London shoemaker Natacha Marro.






The Lounge clientele never thought such a thing was possible but is now forced to admit that it may be possible to drink too much nog during the holidays. Apparently that is what has happened in Belgium where the normally morose Belgians suddenly got all their danders up simultaneously when a public television station decided to have a bit of fun and aired a fake newscast - a la Orson Welles - that the northern portion of the country had seceded from the southern portion. Many Belgians thought it was a real newscast and were reported to be flipping and flopping on the streets like fishes out of water until the hoax was revealed and allowed them to go back to eating chocolate or whatever it is the Belgians do best, which the Lounge isn't sure because nobody knows of any Belgian college football stars or Belgian sprinters or Belgian curling champs.


What the Lounge does know about is the world's tallest man using his 42-inch long arms to reach inside the insides of two dolphins and extract bits of plastic. This all happened in China where the 7-9 Mongolian herdsman Bao Xishun lives and is setting a bad precedent for the Lounge. No, the Lounge will not extract bits of feather boa from Father Lotto's mouth nor is the Lounge under any obligation whatsoever concerning leather fetish objects. The Lounge's influence has been "somewhat" overstated in these matters.

It is almost bowl season - in fact, the first bowl game kickoff is merely hours away - and what are the odds that the Lounge clientele would have anything to talk about over the incessant drone of bowl game commentator chatter? Practically zero without the help of nog until….Kyle Keown came along. Keown is the punter for Vanderbilt - who won't be going to a bowl game - and his special 15 minutes of fame are placed right along side those of the punter from Northern Colorado as part of the Krazy Kickers Klub. Keown reportedly hit his girlfriend and then threatened the team's backup quarterback with a knife when he came to assist the girlfriend. The backup quarterback happened to be Richard Kovalcheck - the former Arizona quarterback who was summarily dismissed by Wildcat head coach Mike Stoops when he saw the light named Willie Tuitama coming from the end of the tunnel. The way things are going for Kovalcheck, the Lounge is thinking he better make sure no black cats cross his path and as for Keown, his father is a doctor and Keown's bio says he wants to follow in his father's footsteps in medicine, so the Lounge can only assume his brandishment of a knife was intended to show Kovalcheck this innovative surgical procedure he had just learned.

But we digress….back to the real odds. At the beginning of the 2006 college football season, USC was the favorite to win the Pac-10 and they did just that so, no surprise there. In fact, the Lounge did some quick checking and discovered that most of the favorites or near favorites won all the conference races until we get to the ACC where Wake Forest took home the prize as the longest long shot to win this year. In the preseason, Wake was ranked one spot above perennial no-show Duke at 50-1. Arkansas, which made a decent run at the SEC was next up at 30-1 and Oregon State - had they been able to ride their win over USC to the conference title - would have been next at 20-1 - or, exactly where Wazzu sat.

But that is all over and done with and now bowl game season begins this week with the announcement that Proctor and Gamble might want to get into this bowl game sponsoring racket that the NCAA has in lieu of a playoff. Before, the maker of Gillette, Tide, Pampers and Charmin have sat on the sideline and chose instead to plaster their logos on NASCAR racers' suits and cars to attract the lucrative hillbilly demographic and try to pry their money away from pork rinds. But now P&G is supposedly gearing up for an entry into other sports areas and the Lounge clientele would be happy to see a Pampers Bowl because the amount of whiny big babies infiltrating the collegiate game right now makes it a sensible move and who can argue with an image of Oklahoma playing in the Pampers Bowl?

"Can the Cougs make the Big Dance?" asks Anne Elk, in mid-strut through the Lounge television room.

Well, let's not get too far ahead of ourselves there, Anne, but there is no reason to think the Cougars cannot get to the Big Dance. With only one non-conference game remaining on the schedule - this week's contest against San Diego State in Seattle - the Cougars have only two goals remaining that can get them into the Big Dance Hall. The first goal is to finish off their non-conference season with a bang - specifically, a win over the Aztecs - that would give them an 11-1 mark going into conference play. Losing to the Aztecs will not make a 10-2 record horrible but SDSU has already played two Pac-10 teams and shown themselves to be equivalent to a mid-level conference caliber team, so if the Cougars lose to SDSU, they can know about what to expect in conference play and will need at least 9-9 to be considered by the vacuous NCAA selection committees, although 10-8 might make it more secure. One of the real keys is the RPI. Wazzu currently sits in the 60s - even with all their wins - so it is painfully obvious that not only will the Cougars need to get a win over SDSU but also probably surpass that 9-9 conference mark to give themselves the best shot for Big Dancing. Failing that, the Lounge consensus is that at least seven conference wins will be necessary for entry into the Small Dance - the NIT - although six wins and a win or two in the conference tournament might also do the trick, but that would be riding hard on the edge.

"What's this I hear about the new president wearing suspenders and a bra?" asks a clearly befuddled Attila The Nun, decked out in battle garb.

Talking to Father Lotto before he has had his breakfast nog - not a good idea and this is how rumors get started. It wasn't suspenders and a bra - lumberjacks wear those - everybody knows that Attila. However, there has been some suspicious activity, involving the hoosegow, reported around the presidential party and while the Lounge is happy to see that Wazzu's new president is a big basketball supporter, some members are slightly dismayed that all-terrain vehicles were necessary to get that point across. The consensus is to take the stool at the end of the bar, move it across the street and see what happens from there.

Only one more week until the guy in the big red suit tumbles down the chimney, tosses out gifts and disappears for another year. Everybody happy? Well, the Lounge will soon change that. You need last-minute gift ideas? How about the Tank Chair? It's a chair with attitude - a bad one. Don't thank us now - or when the neighbor complains about their shrubbery - in fact, now that the Lounge thinks about it, don't thank us at all. Get away from us! Don't touch us! Leave us alone! Oh yeah, and happy holidays.


Finally, the Lounge Scientists are really in the holiday spirit and they have decided, once again, to give Wazzu a plug because cranberries are a big holiday food item. But WSU scientists says they can also be a year-round food item. The Lounge was skeptical, at first, about this notion then remembered that we had completely forgot about the wonderful concoction called the Cosmopolitan which includes cranberries. So we are on board with Wazzu scientists now - even if they are on the starboard side of the ship and the Lounge is on port.

"People are seeing more of a reason to drink cranberry juice, so you're capturing that health market," says Lounge Scientist #26, Kim Patten a horticulturalist from Washington State University, who is reportedly at one with the cranberry.

Yes, good healthy cranberries living the Cosmopolitan lifestyle this holiday season and beyond - now that is something the entire clientele can stand behind.





+++++++sponsored by Clark's Restaurant+++++++++

Attention COUGAR Fans! Autumn is here! Time to feed that appetite. How can you afford to go one day further without some tasty morsels from Clark's Restaurant in Grays Harbor - home of the Best Hamburger in Twin Harbors for seven consecutive years? Come in for the burger, fresh homemade fries and milkshakes concocted from homemade ice cream. Go ahead, we dare you to try and pass up more than 12 varieties of hamburgers to choose from, full dinners, lunch and full breakfast served daily. Clark's Restaurant 360.538.1487. Seven miles south of Aberdeen, Washington on Highway 101. Proud supporter of CougZone. Mention this ad for a free small hot chocolate.




 

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